Wrestling with Singleness

To my white-flag waving single folks,

Giving up already on love? We all know that someone who constantly dwells on their singleness and the desire to finally be married. Praise Jesus, we’re actually able to find hope and joy outside of that or us single folks would always be unfulfilled in life. Here it is: You’ve got a personal dilemma, and the world says that’s alright. You desire to love the person you’ll love forever, and the world says that’s great. BUT, a big BUT, God says that’s not enough. You’ll never be fully satisfied in anyone but him. Christ is the one we’re supposed to search after whole-heartedly. It’s so easy to become tangled up in the passions and desires of today, but that’s not fulfilling for our hearts.

If you’ve had someone ask, “Now, why in the world haven’t we gotten you married off yet?” or “Are you seeing anyone? Because, I know..” It’s unfortunate that this is many people’s preponderance, as if someone’s successful or failed relationships, of the lack thereof, only illustrate a stop sign to offer an opinion on singleness and the fix. This is such a common misconception, as it puts false expectations in our heads about our futures & what fills us. I’m happily hoping for someone who is running the race towards our godly marriage; that day may come. But, for all of you in the same boat as me, life is worth so much more than being concerned about your future and your singleness. What you don’t need is another simple fix to throw away when you find out it wasn’t as great as the commercial said. What you need is real resolution.

If you’ve wrestled against the wait and the question of why you have to wait, ask yourself a simple question.

Is Jesus your #1? I know, it’s easy to say, “Sure, I am considerate of others.” Well, anyone with manners is considerate and polite. It only takes knowing one English word to express gratitude (Thanks!), and most people say it out of habit. It’s also easy to say, “Yes, I am following Christ.” Well, lots of people say that, and the question has to be backed up with reality. Are you a Christian that’s really been relational in your walk with Christ? Because, it’s easy for things to become habit, and telling ourselves a relationship is healthy can become habit if we’re not really invested in the relationship and assessing its condition like we could be. The problem may not even be that Christ isn’t your number one right now, but I’ll bet that a lack of a unity or a daily pursuit of time with Christ is why your questions and struggle have escalated to an unbearable or preposterous level. Let’s cut to the bone. If Jesus is your number one, then do not try to cut him out of your picture or leave him at the sidelines because his plans might be contrary to or happening at a different rate than yours. Instead, embrace that he knows better despite the potential outcomes, and you may need to have a healthier perspective from his point of view.

For you, the million-dollar question might be, “Can my life have the hope of love and still be fulfilled regardless of being single right now?” The answer is yes, and here’s why…

Luke 14:25-27 & 33 says, “Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ‘If anyone comes to me and does not hate their father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple…In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.’”

So, thinking about this logically is the first step. God calls us to give up everything. Deuteronomy 6:5 says, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” A basic premise of following Christ is that you love him solely, and you give everything up for him. You love him, and he becomes your everything.

On that person you’ve been dreaming about, hoping for, waiting on? Keeping them even second or third in your heart is a violation of your relationship with Christ. It’s a violation of your heart. Giving up everything is a tall order to fill. BUT WAIT! Hebrews 12:2 says, “Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” If we fix our eyes on Jesus, he fills us and works on our faith. He’s ruling over it all, and he perfects our joy. Our temporary hope fades in our hearts as eternity stains us with a permanent seal of grace. Life becomes less about us and more about Christ, and giving up everything for him becomes the natural progression of following after him.

So this singleness? It’s less about us and our future love, and it’s more about our current relationship with Christ. Until you fully give up your life to Christ, how can you have a husband (or a wife, gents) that is second? Like a tree, how can you grow a trunk or branches if your roots don’t yet exist? How can you fish for supper if you lack the pole, tackle, and bait? Christ is the answer to your upstream battle, little salmon. He’ll pick you right up and save you the hassle if you let him.

So, now that you know Christ needs to be your center, part two may commence. There is, probably, already someone out there for you! E-harmony fake-and-bake boloney is nothing compared to this life-pairing knack that the Father has. Mark 10:6-9 says, “But at the beginning of creation God, ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Of course, this is talking about Adam and Eve, but more specifically, it is talking about marriage itself as a creation, a pre-choosing, of your Maker. I’m not saying that marriage is a guarantee. We are not given these bodies with a warranty tag for 100% satisfaction. But, God specifically tells us that He makes two people for each other. We’re meant to be of one flesh, and God joins us together. So, there might be someone made just for you.

What a beautiful hope right there! Marriage is an essential part of our creation. I look forward to knowing this match of mine, but more importantly, I look forward to meeting Christ everyday until then. Take up your cross daily, fix your eyes on Jesus, and keep up the hope that, one day, you’ll cross into a life with your other half. Singleness might seem like a time of waiting, but it’s really a time that Christ can use to work on our hearts and draw us near to him. He’s the Maker of your other half, and God knows your impatience to be one with another. Hang in there! Grow in Christ and cling to your relationship with Christ. He might throw you two together someday, and it’ll be part of a perfect plan made by a perfect God.


The Sower’s Seeds

When you have to change your wishes and expectations because God’s got something different in mind for you – there’s a perspective change, but it’s worth moving for. Mark 4v3-6 reads, “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.” While the trodden, rocky, and thorny soils all received the same seed, they did not let the sower’s seed produce for harvest.

Have you ever felt like the ground in the sower’s parable? During the different phases and changes of your life, God throws seeds of grace and guidance your way. It’s your choice to be hard, cold, and prickly – not letting the grace of God water the dried-up plot of life you’re in. You can choose to surrender the rocks and thorns from your lot, letting the wellspring of life soften your heart and spring up the lush, green field that’s waiting for harvest time.

Often times, our unfulfilled expectations or purely self-centered wishes about an ideal life leave us hollowed out and dried up. They reflect our human nature – the will to freely sin without remorse or consequence, to be purely satisfied by our pleasures and our passions, and to have pride in the making of our merry lives. We get picture-perfect about life and its objects, and we want our perfect expectations to be instantly gratified — that is why we have that common saying, “Patience is a virtue.” Our selfish desires reflect a dry field – hard, rocky, and thorny soil that can’t possibly grow up the right seeds into thriving plants. If you don’t like the seeds thrown, you choke them out.

To further reaffirm this, Jeremiah 17v5-10 states, “This is what the Lord says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from mere flesh and whose heart turns away from the Lord. That person will be like a bush in the wastelands; they will not see prosperity when it comes. They will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives. But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward each person according to their conduct, according to what their deeds deserve.’”

When you decide to put stock in your hopes, trusting and believing in your expectations, that comes with a curse. Mere man (a.k.a. you) can’t be trusted for fulfillment. You’re not enough to find fulfillment on your own. So, whether you’re hoping for marriage, a new career, a fresh passion in life, or other tangible and intangible satisfactions – you can’t find gratification when you focus on the things of man. And, in fact, the Lord says that the heart is deceptive – even the heart you’re in possession of cannot be understood by you. Your heart and mind are both connected, often desiring deceptive things. So, I’ll ask – do you entertain your mind like God is the King of your life or do you sit your desires in that throne thinking they are worthy of it? The conditions of our hearts are much related to the things we dwell upon, and this is where the key word from that verse comes in: confidence. When you have trust and confidence in the Lord, you come out of the place of desolation into a place of fearlessness and fruitfulness.

Jeremiah 17v8 describes the constant refreshing of your soul like a tree planted by a stream. It is confident in the care and providence of the stream to tend its roots with water. Instead of hoping in the things of your corrupted mind and heart, you should look to something solid. Your foundation is much like the roots of Jeremiah’s tree – when you let your soul rest upon the solid rock, you will begin to appreciate its solidity and stability.

Here’s a curious thought: Home contractors insert special bolts into wet concrete while pouring a foundation block, to have a fixed mark that holds the house to its permanent resting place. These bolts are called “anchor bolts,” and I love the pure irony of that name. The things that hold our homes to their resting places are called anchors. Hebrews 6v13-20 says, “When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, ‘I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.’ And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.”

Despite the bleak odds of old age and barrenness, God granted Abraham the blessing of having a child and the promise of a great nation. This example draws out one specific point – God has plans that are external and overarching, and while they may or may not align with our plans, he tells us that his purpose for us is unchanging. And, this unchanging hope we have is an anchor, firm and steadfast, for the soul. So, if you feel as though your heart’s desires and plans are unconceived, know that God still has a purpose for you that is clear and unchanging. So, in the forward movement of your faith, I have some advice.

Number one, make it clear to your heart and mind who sits on your throne. If your heart has been withered up like a desert bush and not growing like a watered tree, shift your thinking to mirror that of the Samaritan woman’s thinking at the well with Jesus. John 4v13-14 says, “Jesus answered, ‘Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.’ The woman said to him, ‘Sir, give me this water so that I won’t get thirsty and have to keep coming here to draw water.’” Recognize that Christ is the only one who can water the dryness of your soul, and realize the life-giving nature of that eternal promise.

Number two, Psalm 40v1-2 reaffirms what happens when your heart cries out for God’s grace and refreshing, “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Our foundation is a rock, to which we are anchored, firm and secure in faith. That foundation is deep, like the roots of Jeremiah’s tree, reaching into a stream of living water that revives the soul.

Number three, God is like a farmer – throwing opportunities and guidance in your way, and you can choose to receive it like the soft soil that springs up good plants or to let it return void in harvest time. You might not see the seeds that God’s planting right now, and I encourage you to talk to God like Jesus did in John 12v27-28, “‘Now my soul is troubled, and what shall I say? “Father, save me from this hour?” No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!’ Then a voice came from heaven, ‘I have glorified it, and will glorify it again.’” Ask God to glorify his name, and let your heart’s desires, your human expectations for life, become lesser. Galatians 6v7 reminds us that a man reaps what he sows, so make sure the intentions and actions you sow into your own life will glorify God. Ask God to glorify his name, and he will.

I’ve been listening to the FFH song “Lord Move, or Move Me” on repeat for two weeks. I’m experiencing much change in life now, and I’m looking for what God has in that change. I know we all have hopes, and that’s something wonderful about the free will that we’re given. I also know, taking a break from the things we constantly self-will can be the means of refocusing our attention away from our human hopes toward heavenly realities. Oftentimes, giving over the paper castles of dreams we’ve built up feels like we are being torn down. Yet, remember that 2 Corinthians 12v9 says, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” Let your deceptive heart’s pretentions be burnt down, so that you may recognize that the only part of your home that matters is the foundation. 1 Corinthians 9v25 says, “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.” So, it’s not easy to give over your life plans, but we know that the rigors of pursuing God’s purposes, the seeds of His sowing, have always had the greatest reward.

So, be like the tree in Jeremiah. Psalm 92v12-15 says, “The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.’” In Christ, your tree is always watered, is always green, is always bearing fruit, and is always rooted on a stream of living water. And, let Psalm 52v5-12 be your prayer of your heart, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb; you taught me wisdom in that secret place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Shift your will to match the purposes of the Lord of your life, and let your soul flourish on a solid foundation.


Let Your Light So Shine

Halloween – the holiday of darkness, spooks, candy, and costumes galore. USA Today* reports that Americans spent $8.4B on Halloween candy in 2016, breaking a historical record. 2017 candy spending is expected to be $9.1B, breaking last year’s record. Halloween is a national party – one giant haunting sugar rush. Americans love Halloween. Yet, I have two questions for you. Do you know how many of your Christian neighbors and friends are keeping their lights on and doors open tonight? Or, how many aren’t?

According to a 2006 Gallup poll**, we find that 26% of Evangelicals object to celebrating Halloween, and 45% opt to close their doors and turn out the lights. Nearly half turn out their lights. This statistic is fairly stark against the name “Evangelical,” and it begs that the proverbial question be answered, “What would Jesus do?”

I’d like to think that if someone came knocking on my door, whatever the reason may be, I’d be welcoming – just as Christ was to me. I know that Christians tend to think of Halloween as the night where the world goes raging in madness over sin. So, we buy the giant spider webs and lanky skeleton yard décor, but we stay away from the spiky demon horns and sexy witch costumes. It seems like the night we’re in a world that’s celebrating Satan, hell, demonic spirits, and evil; and we realize we’re surrounded by darkness. However, we must remember that the picture of tonight’s darkness is a fair assessment of what engulfs a world in sin – everyday. In the midst of the everyday, we can’t forget what is staunchly more real and lasting than the physical things we lay our aging eyes on. What we see is darkness, but when all we see fades to dust, there is eternal fire. The lost world lives in darkness today, but whether it’s a neighbor, a friend, a stranger you meet – their eternal world is on fire. And tonight, the only thing that stands between you and them is a door.

I’ll ask you to remember what you were like when Christ came to answer your knocking at his door. Matthew 7:7 says, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” He cracked the door to see who was outside in the darkness, and the light poured through the gap onto you. His radiance bounced against all the darkness, revealing by light all the things that had been hidden about you. You cowered in your sin because your darkness was fleeing, and you saw what glory was overcoming in you – calling you to enter in. Right there you stood – realizing what a broken, dark place you were in. It had been comfortable until now, and you had to decide whether to stay there or leave that place. If you walked through the door, you’d have to walk into the light – revealing more and more of the things that your darkness had shrouded. Knowing only the glimpse of what waited on the other side, you gave over your fear, your shame, and your sinful selfishness when you realized what glory was waiting for you on the other side of that door. You crossed that threshold, and it was because a door had been opened to you.

Tonight, the very same situation presents itself to us as Christ’s followers. The world is knocking on our doors tonight, and we have the choice to answer the door, just as Christ answered us. Now, I’m not saying our doors are full of glory and grace like his, because we are only human. But, we are his vessels of grace, and his light radiates through us. If we are not answering our doors and letting our lights shine, because we feel a genuine disdain for the world and its sin – then we are not following Christ as he commanded us.

Indeed, we have been commanded to do two very distinct tasks as Christians. Mark 16:15 offers us a picture of Jesus talking to the disciples, “He said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.’” So, we’re told to go into the world – into the place where darkness abounds and sin runs rampant. We’re told to go because we’re like the kid hired for the Sunday morning paper. If he isn’t willing to wake up before the rest of the world and do the job he’s trained for, then no one will receive the Sunday morning newspaper. So, unless you’re a Christian who’s willing to go into this world, even in the times when it is most uncomfortable, you will be missing out on that first task: reaching all creation. You will miss out on your potential, because you’re supposed to go.

The second task is plain. You may be trying to reach people for Christ, but you may have reservations about rolling up your sleeves and joining in the Halloween hubbub. Do you know what Christ would tell you? Keep your lights on and open that door. Matthew 5: 14-16 says, “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” You have been given an eternal and heavenly light. Your light is not to be hidden, and like we teach our little ones to sing, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.”

Something is really unique for Christians about Halloween night. Christian folks talk left-and-right about wanting to go out on the mission field, but on this one night of the year, the mission field knocks on your door. You might be asking yourself every day, “How can I better reach out to this lost world around me?” I know I do, and I bet you do, too. There’s a moment in the Bible that answers that very question.

Looking at the disciples in John 21: 3-6, “‘I’m going out to fish,’ Simon Peter told them, and they said, ‘We’ll go with you.’ So, they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, ‘Friends, haven’t you any fish?’ ‘No’ they answered. He said, ‘Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.’ When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.” Christ has called each and every one of us to get into this world and preach the good news of salvation. Jesus called the disciples in Matthew 4:19, “And He said to them, ‘Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.’”

Christ has given you both the command and capacity to be a fisher for souls, and tonight’s the night where you can decide to climb into your boat and go out. You may have chosen before to shut out the lights and stay away from the choppy waters of a sinful, dark world – choosing to stay more comfortable in your calm seas with the few fish. Yet, Christ calls us to cast our nets into the places where the world resides. We sometimes have to change our expectations of where we need to fish, because we are meant to brave the darkness and shine our lights.

I encourage you tonight – fish are coming to your door, and you can choose to cast your net. Remember your darkness, and remember what Christ did while you were still comfortable there. People need Christ, and they’re knocking on your door. Christ opened his door to you, and glory changed your life. Therefore, amp up your electricity bill, remember the light of Christ that is in you, and don’t be afraid to cast it on the world God loves. Halloween may be a night where darkness abounds, but remember – this is the day that the Lord has made. His light shined the midst of your sinful self, and you should let your light shine into the world. So, get your candy, get your costume, get your light, get out there, and good luck!


*USA Today: Halloween Candy Sales Data
**Gallup: Religious Views and Halloween